When will my time come?

Help, I’m stuck

When will it happen? When will I turn into someone? When will my life begin? When will this annoying limbo stage of my life end? When will my clock start ticking and when will I see the world and do art that matters? When will I become someone? When will I? When will I..

Help, I’m stuck. I’m lying in my made bed looking at my 16 year old cat peacefully sleeping, making sure her belly slowly goes up and down. Everything is ready for me to start my day. I took my morning pills, I made my bed, I washed my face. And I’m still here lying down, unable to get up and find the strength to carry on. As if I’m waiting for something. And while I’m waiting I always try to distract myself doing stuff, side projects, unpaid jobs, my personal projects. However, no matter how distracted I am, how hard I work, there is always a nagging sensation in the back of my head telling me I’m still waiting. But waiting for what?

I’m the most impatient person I’ve met, I’m not joking. Despite that, my brain made me believe I have to wait. Regardless of the situation I’m in, I believe I have to wait, because it’s not my time yet. When I was a kid, I’d be called ugly and I would think to myself I have to wait until I finally turn beautiful, and then my life will begin. During those times in middle school, I thought to myself I’ll wait until I finally switch schools, I’ll have an opportunity to be a different person and then my life will begin. And then the same happened, And then it happened again, and again and again. And I became stuck in my own impatience and desperation of believing I should be someone else to be valued.

Right now I’m doing a lot of stuff. I finally started sharing art and that led me to create even more. I’m finally giving time and love to the projects I always wanted to do, but I’m still waiting for my life to begin. I’m stuck in my parents’ house still and I have no job, no independence. And I’m so ashamed to say that but I know I’m not the only one. The average age for Portuguese young adults to leave their parents is like 30. It’s shameful, it’s humiliating. Unfortunately that one is not my fault, if it was it would have been fixed years ago.

Apart from that, I still look in the mirror in search of things to fix my life, to prepare everything in order to start, to reach a level I consider good enough. Like I’m extensively personalising my character before hitting New Game. I’ve been in the fucking character creation page for 23 years now. My hair is not quite perfect. My wardrobe is not exactly where I want it to be. My drawing skills are not exactly on point. My independence is non existing and I don’t have my own space. I should be elsewhere, surely things would be better. So many things to customise and I still haven’t started yet.

When I finish my character, my life will finally begin, my clock will finally start ticking. That’s what I’ve been thinking, at least. Not realising that my life is happening right now, and if I’m always impatiently waiting for what comes next, might as well wait to die.

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Image cover is an artwork by Yulja Blucher. See the original here.

I know this was a different and rather negative post, I’m sorry. This is just a ramble, I know it’s my fault for not letting myself just live. I just wrote this because I felt like I had to share it somewhere. See you in a most positive post next time, hopefully.

Cheers,

mai

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You can buy my recently made stickers in my shop! I’d be very happy for your support.